We had a few short moments of rain this morning for the first time in quite a while. Followed by some comforting grey weather. The rain was fleeting, but restorative.
I've had trouble sleeping lately. My mind races into the very early hours of the morning until finally my body forces me to shut down for a few hours. I'm anxious about this next big step — our move to Europe.
Anxious and relieved and terrified and quite excited, all at the same time.
Anxious because there are still a bunch of unknowns and I'm having a difficult time picturing us there. Relieved because I have some work on myself to do, and I'm thankful for time to do it. Terrified because I have never been more than forty minutes away from my family, and I don't know how it will feel to be an outsider. And quite excited because I am a person who really loves change and contrast in my life. I am looking forward to new habits, new scenery, new thoughts, new memories, new me.
All of these thoughts are tearing up my insides a little bit. And I'm torturing myself by indulging in them, rather than just moving them aside, temporarily, and focusing on one day at a time. Still, I've always operated under the principle that when things get difficult, it's a good idea to let myself feel those fears, anxieties, sadnesses — really feel them — then let them go at some point. I like the contrast of moving from dark to light and the sense of pride that comes with it.
But today my head is still quite dizzy with ideas and concerns.
The rain did help, though.